Holding On
by ILoveJorja
Summary: Sara's POV of "Dead Doll" and its aftermath, including the sweet final scene. The story continues through the end of "A La Cart." GSR, emphasis Romance. Ten chapters.


Summary: Sara's POV of the aftermath of "Dead Doll" and the sweet final scene; continued through "A La Cart." GSR, emphasis Romance. Rated M for language and sex. Ten chapters.

Author's note: I'm taking a break from writing smut. Writing "Getting Some" and "Revealing" both got that out of my system for now. Fear not, faithful readers, I will be back.

Reviews are always welcome.

**HOLDING ON**

Sara slowly regained consciousness. The burning heat was gone. The blinding sun was gone. The feelings of terror and helplessness and thirst were easing. She no longer felt her legs wobbling beneath her; the legs that did not cooperate with her brain and her voice, now felt supported._ Get up,_ she had muttered to herself_. Get up. Don't stop. Don't stop. Four times five is twenty. Four times six is...Keep going, damn it, or you'll die out here._

The hard ground slammed into her body again and again. Each time there was an excruciating shooting pain up her broken arm. But that pain would jolt her back into consciousness, so she could get up and take another step, another step away from hell.

Now she was in a place she did not recognize. There was a loud rhythmic noise. The enclosed space was vibrating. _Am I back in the trunk of Natalie's car?_

"I guess I have a fear of trunks. In my business we only find one thing in them."

_Am I dead? I have to know._ Hesitantly, Sara cracked an eye open. What she saw still didn't make much sense. So she closed her eye, and then opened both of them again slightly. There was a dark patch in front of her, something black, with white squiggles. She tried to focus. The white squiggles were letters. White on black.

GRISSOM

That's what the word was. GRISSOM. Oh, thank God. Thank all the powers that be, Grissom had found her. And she wasn't dead. She had been rescued. She had been found; not by blowflies and carabid beetles, not by vultures and coyotes, but by Gil Grissom. She had a second chance.

Her eyes traveled slowly up that vest, up his body, up to his face, looking her in the eyes. His light blue eyes were shining down on her, filled with love, with care, with concern, with relief. _Sara's alive. Sara's going to be okay. Thank you, God, for answering my prayers._

Grissom held her look, cherished it like the gift it was. There was an oxygen mask on her mouth and it was too noisy to talk, but they didn't need to. "I love you," their eyes said to each other.

She was in a helicopter, she realized. There was a blessedly cool feeling on her head. Water flowed in her veins again; Sara could almost see the parched tissues in her body soaking it up gratefully. Her arm hurt, everything hurt, but she was alive. She could see, and feel, and hear. She could see Gil again.

Grissom held her good hand in his, his large fingers enclosing her long pale slender ones. He never let go, and he never stopped looking her in the eyes. Those warm brown eyes were the most beautiful things he'd ever seen.

**CHAPTER TWO**

Sara slipped into sleep. She awoke in a hospital bed, to a woman's voice calling her. A nurse, bothering her to take her blood pressure and temperature and who knows what. She didn't care. Grissom was still there, sitting beside her, looking at her with that softness in his eyes and still holding her hand.

"Hi honey."

"Hey."

"I love you Sara."

"Love you too," Sara said weakly.

"They're going to set your arm soon. It's badly broken."

"My arm?"

"Yes, honey, you have a broken arm. Want to see the X-ray?"

"Okay."

She looked at the ghostly image, like so many others she'd seen in the autopsy room. The white bones of her tibia and fibula were splintered, with jagged edges and a small piece in between.

"Oh. The car."

Some more people in scrubs bustled in, moving around her bed with efficiency.

"Yes. Don't try to talk now, okay? They're going to put you under soon," Grissom said, standing.

"Gil? Kiss me?"

He bent and kissed her gently, then kissed her forehead.

When she came to again, her arm felt heavy and stiff. The brutal pain had returned. A nurse bent over her.

"You're in the recovery room. Everything went well."

Then Sara was wheeled down a long hallway, watching the square fluorescent lights and the tiles slide by. An elevator, and then the attendants helped her into bed.

The sheets felt cool on her skin.

"I'm going to give you something for the pain," the nurse said, depressing a syringe into her IV. It flowed up her arm and through her whole body. _Oh, thank you. So this is what it feels like to have no pain, no pain at all. I never realized how much I hurt all the time._

**CHAPTER THREE**

Again she awoke. Catherine was sitting beside her, and Grissom stood behind her. Sara looked around the room. Nick was there, and Warrick, and Greg, and Brass stood awkwardly by the wall, looking worried.

"Hey guys."

"Sara!" They chorused and stood around her bed, beaming, all talking at once.

"How do you feel?" Greg asked.

"About as good as I look." They chuckled.

"That bad, huh?"

"No, no, you look great. Just some scrapes on your face."

"Who...who found me?"

Grissom answered. "Warrick processed Natalie's car and figured out you had escaped from the trunk, so we knew you were still alive. Greg spotted the car from a helicopter. Brass found the tow truck guy who remembered the Mustang, and where he took it. Nicky and I dug under it. Catherine and I followed your footsteps, and your trail of stones. Nick saw the mirror and found you unconscious, and Sofia called the Medivac. I guess we all found you."

"Thank you. All of you."

Sara hugged Catherine, and then beckoned to Nick, who squeezed her good hand, his eyes glistening.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"Thanks for finding me, Nicky." He gulped and nodded.

Warrick leaned over and brushed her hair from her face. "Don't scare us like that again, okay?" She nodded. He kissed her forehead.

When Warrick moved away, Greg buried his face in her neck and cried. He couldn't speak. Greg stood up and wiped his face, and hurried from the room.

Brass gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You held on, Cookie. You're a survivor."

They all filed out, giving her comforting words.

"Gil? Will you stay?"

"Always." He sat back down in the chair and caressed her cheek.

"How long do I have to stay here?" _That's my Sara._

"Not long. You're rehydrated, and there was no permanent damage to your kidneys or other organs. You're badly sunburned and they want to treat that and keep an eye on you. You're going to have to keep the cast on for a few weeks, too."

"Oh. Gil?"

"Yes honey?"

"What about...Natalie?"

He sighed. "We caught her. She's in jail. She'll never hurt you again."

"Why did she?"

"She's a sick, twisted killer. She wanted to punish me for my part in Ernie Dell's suicide. So she tried to kill you. Take it easy, okay? We'll talk more later."

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Two days later, Sara was released from the hospital. The doctor gave Grissom a fistful of instructions and brochures, a tube of burn salve, and a prescription for pain pills, another for antibiotics, and a third for sleep.

Grissom pushed her wheelchair while Nick helped carry her stuff to Grissom's car and handed her into the passenger seat. Nick kissed her on the cheek and waved as they drove away.

"Gris? Won't he...won't they wonder why you're taking me home?" Sara asked as they pulled out of the parking lot.

Grissom blushed a little. "Um, no, they won't."

"Why not?"

"When we were brainstorming, trying to figure out where you were, the whole team was standing around the table. I blurted out something."

"What?"

"That you were the only woman I've ever loved."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. I didn't even realize I was saying it aloud. I said something along the lines of, I took away the only person Natalie loved, and now she's doing the same thing to me."

"So I leave you alone for one day, and you spill the beans?" Sara started to laugh.

Grissom laughed too. "I guess I'm a blabbermouth."

"How did they take it?"

"I don't know. I ran out of the room."

"Sheesh. You're something else." Sara squeezed his hand and Gil smiled at her.

When they got inside the townhouse, Grissom insisted she go straight to bed.

"Gil! I've spent most of a week in bed. I'm not tired."

"Please, honey."

Sara opened her mouth to protest, but then looked at him closely. His face was drawn, eyes rimmed with red, skin pallid, and his chin was stubbled. He was hadn't slept more than three or four hours in a day since she had been kidnapped.

"Alright, I will," she said softly, kissed him, and took him by the hand to bed.

Grissom stripped to his boxers and crawled in between the sheets. He nestled up close and kissed her hair, then fell instantly asleep. She lay awake for long hours, watching him in the moonlight. When the sun came up she dozed fitfully.

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Grissom helped Sara bathe and wash her hair, wrapping the cast in plastic each time. The sunburn was worst on her upper back, shoulders, and upper chest. He cleaned the skin tenderly and tentatively applied the burn salve every time.

At bedtime, Sara tried to lie close, but the damn cast on her arm always seemed to be in the way so it was hard to get comfortable. One night she fell asleep on her stomach and woke screaming, thinking she was under that car, drowning. Her legs were tangled in the sheets and she struggled until Gil caught her hands and woke her up. He had to be quick about rousing her from her nightmares or he would get hit by the cast, so he could only sleep lightly. Both of them were irritable from lack of rest.

Sara tried to initiate lovemaking but Grissom always stopped her. He would kiss her with passion, but then grasp her hands, tell her he was tired, and leave their bed to work in his office.

One night she caressed him between the legs and said, "Part of you isn't too tired," and he became angry and stormed out of the room.

"Gilbert Grissom get back here." He did not answer.

Sara threw off the sheets and looked for him. She found him sitting on the back patio, his head in his hands. She knelt in front of him.

"Gil, what is it? Talk to me." He shook his head.

"Gil, please, honey, tell me what's wrong."

She waited, knowing he would need time to articulate his feelings.

"I...I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't hurt me, I'll tell you if it hurts. It hurts me more that you won't make love to me!"

He looked at her with an expression of guilt and shame. "It's my fault."

"What's your fault?" Sara asked, confused.

"It's my fault you were kidnapped and almost killed. I should have protected you."

"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. Natalie did. She tried to kill me. You saved me!"

"I can't help how I feel. I keep picturing that miniature..."

"What miniature?"

Grissom's face cleared. He hadn't realized that Sara didn't know the whole story.

"Come here, I'll show you," Grissom said, leading her to his office. He pulled out her file and showed her a photo of the miniature Natalie had made, of the red Mustang overturned, with a hand sticking out from underneath. The next photograph was of the doll of Sara, dressed in her CSI vest, with the tiny white letters that said SIDLE.

"See, this hand was on a motor, so the fingers extended and clutched at the ground. There were no clues in the landscape, just generic desert, so we couldn't tell where you were. Luckily Natalie was so obsessive that she included the VIN number on the car." Sara nodded, fascinated by the remarkable but chilling detail.

"Greg ran the VIN and it came back to a DUI accident you and I worked." He showed her the file. "Do you remember this?"

"Not really."

"Look, here's the scene photos. See, there's Natalie, watching us."

"This is creepy."

"Yes, it is. I took the camera from you, and I let my hand stroke down your arm. It was just the two of us, and it wasn't even a crime scene, just an accident."

"I do remember that gesture. It was nice." Sara gave Grissom an uncertain smile.

"So when the car was towed, Natalie bought it and had a tow truck guy move it out to Icebox Canyon. She had it jacked up and ready to put you under it once she'd finished the miniature and grabbed you." Sara shivered, and folded her arms.

"Why...why did she go to all this trouble, this elaborate setup? She just killed her other victims."

"I think...she wanted you to suffer. She blamed me for Ernie Dell. She wanted me to hurt for what she thought I had done." Sara stroked his head.

"She wanted to hurt me more than if she had kidnapped me. And it did. God Sara it hurt, knowing you were suffering, not knowing where you were or how to find you or if you were dead..." Sara hugged him and they cried together.

"I can't stop thinking about it, Sara."

"I can't either. But we have to try, Gil. We can't let her destroy us, the two of us."

"You're right, honey. But I'm not ready yet...I need more time with you before I can forgive myself."

"Okay. I think I understand. But please talk to me, honey? It won't go away unless we get it out."

"I'll try. I will. God knows you have more experience with personal trauma than I do!"

She laughed, a little sadly. "See? That's better, isn't it? I feel better now."

"Me too. You're a wise and remarkable woman, Sara Sidle."

"Ha! Now you get it." Sara grabbed him playfully and pushed him into bed.

**CHAPTER SIX**

The honesty helped, but Grissom still watched over Sara like a mother hen. He cut up her food for her, wouldn't let her carry anything, and supported her up and down stairs and into the car. When he fussed around and fluffed up the couch pillows for the third time in an hour, she snapped at him, then felt horrible when he looked so hurt. Grissom retreated into the dark bedroom and sat on the bed.

"I'm sorry, Gil. I know you're just trying to take care of me." Sara sat next to him and took his hand in hers.

"I can't...I don't know how..." Grissom's eyes were moist and he wouldn't look at her.

"Believe me, if the situation was reversed, I would be just as careful of you. It's just that...I'm a grown woman, and I've never had anyone take such good care of me, okay?"

"I haven't either. I've never taken care of anyone before, not a child, no one. I don't know how to stop."

"Sure you do. You're doing a wonderful job. Just...let me ask for help? Let me do what I can, when I can?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, honey, you have no reason to be. You're a wonderful...boyfriend? That doesn't sound right..."

He finally smiled at that, and looked at Sara. "I know, we're not exactly teenagers anymore."

She smiled at his smile. "No, we're not. At least you can say I'm your girlfriend, and it doesn't sound silly." She kissed him, and he stroked her face.

"Let me do something for you for a change. Do you have any dirty socks to wash?"

"No," Grissom answered, smiling.

"Would you like me to wash your car?" she asked teasingly.

"No, thanks." He smiled a little more.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Sure."

"Okay, then. Hold still and close your eyes."

Sara waited until his eyes were fully closed, then moved oh so very slowly closer to him. She could feel the warmth radiating from his face and his breath. She kissed him very softly, very lightly, then moved a tiny bit away.

"Keep your eyes closed," she told him.

She moved closer and softly kissed his eyelids.

Sara whispered, "I love you, Gil Grissom."

"I love you too, Sara Sidle," he whispered back.

Gently she moved her hand close to his face, close but not touching his skin. She could feel the warmth, the energy, and the love radiating in her fingers without ever grazing his skin.

"Do you feel that? Can you feel my hand?"

"Yes," Grissom answered, huskily. "It's warm."

"Can you feel that love flowing between us?"

"Yes. Yes, I can feel it."

"Good." Sara gently and carefully stroked his entire face, as if memorizing it. "You can open your eyes now." His blue eyes popped open and he grabbed her and kissed her properly.

Sara laughed and kissed him back with enthusiasm. "That's better."

"Lie down with me?" Sara asked shyly.

They lay together, face to face, gently kissing and stroking each other.

"Let me love you, Gil?"

He nodded.

Sara shifted to remove her clothes, and Grissom did the same, neither of them leaving the bed nor losing contact with the other.

Sara gently stroked down his body, feeling his skin, his muscles, his broad chest and back and down his thighs. He stroked her body and kissed her tenderly. Grissom moved his body closer until they were flush up against each other and they rocked their bodies slightly to feel the friction and the closeness. Sara laid her broken arm behind his back and stroked his face and hair.

Grissom pulled her upper leg over his hip and entered her, and they both stilled to let the sensations sink in. They kissed sweetly and explored each other's mouths and tongues. Gil began to thrust slightly and tenderly, holding and pulling her thigh closer and apart. She moved gently in rhythm. Both took their time and let the love flow between them. They whispered endearments and kissed and moved gently for a long long time. Gil was able to last forever, and they could both feel the love and pleasure of their union. When he felt her tire, he thrust quickly and came with a deep groan.

"Thank you, Gil. I feel complete again." The afterglow warmed both of them deeply.

"Thank _you, _Sara. You are my love."

They fell asleep in each other's arms.

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

The day came when Sara had to return to work and meet with Ecklie. She strode down the hallway to his office, her head held high and her shoulders squared with confidence. Hodges and Wendy watched her walk by and stood up in respect and felt pride for their part in helping to rescue her.

Sara knocked softly on the doorway. Ecklie gestured for her to come in as he left another message for Grissom.

"Have a seat."

Sara sat on the couch and looked at him defiantly.

"Gil, Conrad again. Message number three. Call me back."

"How's the arm?" Ecklie asked.

"Fractured in two places," Sara answered simply.

"So, you must know where he is."

"Actually, I don't."

"Really," Ecklie answered, not believing her.

He picked up her personnel file. "Look, I don't want to play any games here. This is as difficult for me as it is for you."

Sara looked at him as if it wasn't at all difficult, and smiled a little at his discomfort.

Ecklie closed the door and sat across from her.

"Okay then. This is an administrative inquiry. You and your supervisor were in direct violation of lab policy..."

"Are," Sara corrected him firmly. _Like I give a shit about this stupid rule._

"_Are_ in direct violation of lab policy, which states that members of the same forensic team may not engage in a romantic relationship. So...when did you and Supervisor Grissom begin your relationship?"

"We've always had a relationship," Sara answered smoothly. _Since the day we met._

"I mean, when did you become intimate? _None of your damn business_, _asshole._

Sara looked away and was thoughtful. "Two years ago. I think it was a Sunday." _A wonderful Sunday, at that._

Ecklie wrote something down in the file and droned on about this remaining on her permanent record, and that one of them would have to move to a different shift to rectify the situation.

Sara didn't pay much attention. She had a difficult decision to make.

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

Later that day, Ecklie tracked down Grissom in his office.

"You've been dodging me. It's time to talk."

Grissom looked at him innocently.

"Gil, nobody wants to hear about your love life less than I do. _Then don't ask about it._ But since you didn't handle this right, _I handled this just fine, jerk._ I have to take a formal statement. _I bet you just love doing this, don't you?_

"Should've been a conversation between friends. _Ha! You think we're friends?_ I mean, we could have found some way around this. Catherine could have done Sara's evaluations. _So why can't we do that now?_ Why didn't you just tell me?"

"We didn't want you to know." Grissom answered truthfully.

"Don't most women like the world to know they're dating someone?" _A lot you know, asshole. Sara is not most women, and some like to keep their private lives private._

"Where do you get your information about women, Conrad?' _Good answer. Look at him squirm._

"Okay, when did you two, you know..."

_When did we what? When did we meet? When did we fall in love?_ _One and the same day. Nine years ago. I'll never forget that day._

"Nine years ago."

Ecklie rolled his eyes and became exasperated. "You know what? You two need to get your stories straight." He closed his notebook and left.

Grissom was puzzled. _I was honest. What the hell?_

**CHAPTER NINE**

Grissom drove Sara to the go cart track. They sat there a few minutes, both needing the chance to talk. Grissom told her excitedly about his experiment which proved that shredded rubber from a truck tire could decapitate a kid following in a go cart.

"The gelatin man's head popped right off. It was amazing." _He's like a boy again. I love it when he gets like this._ She smiled at him indulgently.

Grissom remembered his conversation with Ecklie.

"When did you tell Ecklie we got involved?"

Sara looked thoughtful. "Two years ago. Why?"

"_Nine_ years ago," Grissom said firmly.

Sara laughed, surprised.

"The Forensic Academy Conference?" _Really? You date it back to then? Wow, it isn't just me._

"You...uh...had too many questions about anthropology, for some reason."

"Well, I was stalling. I was trying to get the nerve to ask you to dinner." _Instead you asked me to go for coffee. It was the best first date I've ever had._ _I was already in love with you!_

"You had a ponytail," Grissom said, remembering how beautiful she was, how taken he was with her, how charmed he was by her intelligence and interest in his work. _We went for coffee. I wanted to be with you the rest of my life. I fell in love with you the first time you smiled at me._

Sara looked down. _I have to do this. I hate it, but it must be done._ "I'm going to move to swing."

"We talked about this."

"I know you said that you would do it, but I don't want to do that to the team. Besides...I am sure that I could use more daylight in my life."

_That's true. But I hate for her to sacrifice for my sake._ Grissom nodded reluctantly.

"We should go."

"Yeah." They both got out and went inside the building.

**CHAPTER TEN**

The couple relished the fact that they could appear together, that their team knew of their relationship and were happy for them. Grissom and Sara leaned on the railing close together and watched Nick and Warrick and Greg and Catherine and Doc Robbins race around the track in the little go carts.

Nick pulled up alongside and opened his helmet visor. He whooped with excitement.

"Hey Sara! Want to go for a ride?"

"Wish I could," she answered wistfully. _Not with my damn arm in a sling._

"What about you, Ricky Bobby?" Nick asked Grissom.

"No thanks. I like to watch," he answered.

"Okay!" Nick lowered his visor and zoomed off.

Sara turned to Grissom. "You should go!" _Have some fun for once. You deserve it._

"Yeah?" _I really do want to give it a go. Thank you, Sara, for encouraging me._

"Yeah, you should go."

He grinned at her. "Okay."

Grissom put on his helmet and got in. He smiled at her and she gave him a thumbs up sign.

He raced off and she watched her friends indulgently. _They're like a bunch of little kids._

Sara watched them, standing alone, and the sadness and wistfulness returned. _Damn Natalie. She's still punishing me. I didn't do anything to her, hell, I didn't even know who she was, until just before she tasered me and stuffed me in the trunk of her car._

_Why can't colleagues date, anyway? What's wrong with being in love? Who the fuck are they to tell us who we can and cannot be with?_

_God, I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss all of them, especially Gil. He'll be working and need to sleep when I'm home, and I'll be working when he's in bed without me. I'll miss him so much, when I need him most._

Sara fought back tears and sighed deeply.

_I won't be able to heal. I wonder if I will burn out. I hope I can hold on, for both of us. _

_Things will never be the same._

**THE END**


End file.
